The below article is a piece (unedited) that I wrote in Grade 12.

The assignment was a “compare and contrast” essay, and I chose to discuss the difference between love and infatuation. I remember writing it in June, surrounded by teenage love affairs brought on by longer summer days and our impending journey into “adulthood” (read: graduation).

I stumbled upon the article while digging through a Google Drive, and am honestly shocked at how much I still identify with the argument. Especially in our current Age of Instagram – I wrote this before the network and its associated neurosis was “a thing” – the last question the article poses is as pertinent as ever. Please enjoy and I would love to hear your thoughts on the topic.

– xo Emily

What does it mean to be in love? And when you are, how do you know?  Is it the fluttering in your chest when you look into your partner’s smiling eyes?  Is it the exchanging of flowers, love letters, and sweet kisses?  Is it the burning passion that consumes your every thought?  Or is it simply reading side by side before you fall asleep, completely content in each other’s presence?  This question of how to know if you’ve found love is as old as human consciousness itself, and has been asked countless times by philosophers, scientists, musicians, artists, writers – and even the average Joe.  It seems everyone wants to fall in love, and is curious to know how it feels.  An important thing to consider when trying to identify love, is whether you are truly in love, or simply infatuated. This is a common confusion for all love-seekers, especially in their youth.  But there are many signs that help differentiate infatuation and love, whether physical, behavioral, and emotional.

The physical signs of infatuation and love are some of the most obvious, as they can be easily noticed.  Infatuation is mostly biological and based upon physical impulse.  Someone who is infatuated is attracted primarily to the physical appearance of their lover, and isn’t as concerned with who they actually are.  Their affection relies mostly upon physical desire, lust, and hormones.  Infatuation is very carnal and often overly sexual.  It tends to be obsessive and plainly displayed, and someone who is infatuated greatly enjoys the heightened confidence they receive from this flaunted attention.  Love however, is less physical and based upon private affection and mutuality.  Someone who is in love is attracted to who their partner is as a person.  Although they may appreciate the beauty of the one they are in love with, they are drawn to them because of their personality and who they are.  Shakespeare said, “Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind”.  A couple who is truly in love does not feel the need to always publicly express their affection to confirm their relationship’s status, but finds comfort in simply being around their partner.  They enjoy the little things – a hand held, a small kiss goodbye – because they are confident enough in each other’s affection not to need frequent dramatic public reminding like those who are simply infatuated.

Although the behavioral signs of infatuation and love are similar to the physical because they can be seen by an outsider, there are some that are more hidden and thus harder to notice.  Infatuation is mostly expressed through blindly passionate and dramatically intense behavior.  Someone who is infatuated will bluntly ignore their desired partner’s flaws and exploit or over exaggerate their (however few) good traits.  They will rave about their partner’s “sparkling, intoxicating eyes”, but be completely ignorant towards the frequent lying, or other abusive characteristics their partner portrays.  Forcing themselves to disregard their lover’s flaws causes buildup of conflict until it ‘boils over’, and thus couples who are infatuated constantly (and most often publicly) fight.  These conflicts are never properly resolved as neither side understands the other, and are often left with a “kiss and make up” mentality, only postponing until a further conflict.  Infatuated couples live solely in whatever dramatic moment they may be in, and don’t think about the future.  Thus, infatuation behaves as a constant rollercoaster of lust and war, always dramatically expressed and never resolved.  In contrast, those who are truly in love do not feel the need to keep the heightened ‘excitement’ of the dramatic and sporadic infatuation.  Rose Franken said, “Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.”  A couple who is in love is confident enough in their relationship that they can joke around with each other without getting offended.  This confidence is present when someone understands who their partner is and how they think, and comes only from regarding them without ignoring traits.  It takes true love to be able to examine your partner’s flaws, and then accept and accommodate them.  This understanding not only makes a relationship light and fun, but allows for reasonable and calm compromise when conflicts arise.  A foundation built upon this understanding and ability to compromise allows for reasonable and realistic planning for further responsibilities like eventual marriage or having children. Thus, love behaves not as a rollercoaster, but instead a steady river that can flow through obstacles smoothly and without lasting damage.

The most subtle and difficult to detect differences between infatuation and love are those that are emotional.  The motive behind why someone is in a relationship can ultimately be the factor that determines whether they truly love their partner, or are simply infatuated with the idea of being with someone.  Infatuation is selfish, obsessive, superficial, and dependent.  When someone is infatuated they are solely concerned about their happiness, confidence and pleasure in both physical and emotional endeavors, and do not regard their partner’s needs.  Because they therefore don’t understand their partner’s needs, they become controlling and fearful.  Fear makes them jealous and constantly suspicious of their partner.  They subsequently act in manipulative and dishonest ways to find out what their partner is doing, rather than trust or simply ask them.  This obsessive, marginally “stalking” behavior is very emotionally consuming as well as wastes a lot of time and tears on things that could have been sorted out by being direct.  Thus infatuation is distracting and hinders your life’s progression.  People who are deeply infatuated often subconsciously disengage from work, tasks, goals, and other friendships because they are too engrossed in their partner and relationship.   Ultimately, when infatuated you are solely dependent and lose yourself and your life to the obsessive, superficial patterns of this destructive, consuming relationship.  Being in love is the complete opposite.  A person who is in love is selfless and trusting, and their relationship is personal and interdependent.  They are greatly concerned with their partner’s happiness, and when it is achieved, it brings them joy in return.  When mutuality of this selfless consideration is present, both people involved feel fulfilled and content.  This mutual happiness also allows for the feeling of being safe, and builds a strong sense of trust.  Safety and trust create a solid foundation, which allows your attention to be temporarily placed into other fields – work, education, self-improvement – without worrying about your relationship falling to pieces in your absence.  Therefore love inspires, aids, and makes you a better person.  The encouragement you receive from your partner loving you and wanting you to succeed also boosts your production and motivation in life.  Your success brings the couple closer and they help each other succeed.  Lastly, love is when two people who are already confident in themselves choose to be together.  Antoine de Saint-Exupery said, “Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but looking outward in the same direction.”

After examining the physical, behavioural, and emotional differences between infatuation and love you may have a clearer perspective of the people around you, and even your own relationship.  Infatuation and love are everywhere, especially in a social setting like high school or university.  But one must sometimes wonder whether it is really love everyone is so desperately seeking, or if it is the dramatic act of infatuation they so strongly desire.  Is it the flattering letters, blinding passion, and heart-stopping excitement they are looking for?  Or is it the comfort, trust, and warmth of truly loving someone?  So now that you know what it means to be in love, I ask you – is it really what you’re looking for?